And So It Begins:

So here is the miserable truth that those of us who are given to depression are forced to face when David Foster Wallace commits suicide: It didn’t and doesn’t turn out well. There is no happy ending to the story of sorrow if you are born with a predilection for despair. The world is, after all, a coarse and brutal and cruel place. It’s only a matter of how long you can live with it.

Woody Allen

So I have been thinking a lot about how I am handling this situation. Thinking more in terms of observing and collecting information about myself than in terms of analyzing or explaining what I am doing. And I think I am starting to understand more of who I am as a result of this big move, big start. Or maybe what I already understood is starting to come together more.

I don't know if you'll like this explanation because it's all about stereotyping.

Often (usually?), the way that I view the people and the situations around me is in terms of generalizations. This person is that way, this situation has these factors, requires this response.

Inna is the extrovert flirt who can make anyone her friend. Rika is the introvert intellectual who will get five advanced degrees in biochem and poli sci. Evan is political. Maya is of the hippie/philosopher genre. Of course, these are all my best friends and I realize - intimately - how shallow and un-encompassing these definitions are. Nonetheless, they are the categories I have created and I reflexively revert to them, even with my closest circle of people. You can see how inadequate a system this is, but it's how I think and often informs how I relate to people, even as I'm aware of its insufficiencies.

I have never satisfactorily come to a definition for myself. I suppose I have often been "survivor," but over the past few years that definition has fallen by the wayside. I haven't survived anything in a long time. And finding a replacement term hasn't happened. I can be outgoing and vivacious, but I can equally be boring and awkward. I can be super intellectual, but other times I can be incredibly ignorant, even about things that I should know.

It is not that I think that I am more complicated than those around me - as I said, I know how simplistic my designations are for the people I love. It's rather that I don't really understand who I am, what core personality is the base upon which everything else grows. In some ways I'm living more as a reaction to what's going on around me (or who's around me), in other ways I am a big, sturdy, difficult wall of personality that butts its head against everything. And that sturdy wall seems mostly to consist of my inconsistencies.

And this is where a lot of my recent anxiety has stemmed from. I don't know what "type" I am, who I am, and so I don't know how I react to a new city, how to present myself to people. I am unconfident in my decisions (what to say in class, eg). And so I have been observing myself, noticing when I am awkward and when I am more suave.

After a month of this data-collecting, I think I am Woody Allen. No, really - neurotic to the core, completely awkward because I'm completely self-involved, and yet somehow able to charm a certain class of people.

I am not satisfied that this is the be-all end-all of who I am. Maybe it's a cop-out for letting myself be weird and not behave more socially-appropriately. I think maybe that's true, too. But also I think that there is the neurotic in me, that it does come closer to the confused and conflicting image I have and present.

legalize books

toothpastefordinner.com

SNL palin-hillary skit- WATCH

Just got off the phone with Flo

Been a tad MIA the last couple of weeks so I am not sure where to start. At some point I need to post my political rant blog entry.. but that can wait.

The last few weeks have been interesting in that I feel I have learned a lot of new things; I have learned things about myself, about my life, and about the people in my life.

I think I may have had a bit of an early 20's crisis where I wake up and go "Is this what I want to do with the rest of my life and am I happy right now". Obviously all this starts because of a guy.

Thats so incredibly sad that my soul searching and internal questioning starts because of a guy.

I find that I care way too much what people think. I've been slowly coming to that conclusion ( an obvious one - I know) but it just fucks me up all the time. I don't think that friends, babies, jobs, or anything like that can really make us happy. I know plenty of people with some really really cute babies and awesome husbands that are no where near happy. You can only be truly happy with others if you are happy with yourself. This is why I have come up with a list of things that I would like to accomplish and in no way should be about other people's approval/acceptance/things that would usually make me feel good because it caused an ego boost in some artificial way.
Here are some things I am thinking of:

-Learn how to drive a car
-Take a vacation alone
-Run a marathon (btw - I ran my first 10k 2 weeks ago!!!!)
-Find a cause that I believe in
-Volunteer
-Have sex all day (make an event out of it)
-Start art classes again

And more to come.

And a small little excerpt about the stupidity of last night. It is a very bad idea, after a 12 hour shift at work, to decide to go get drinks with an ex.

Short One

I went to Minneapolis over the weekend, and it rocked. Come visit there with me sometime, for reals.

Also, I'm reading (was reading, over the weekend, and will pick up to finish at the end of the semester) Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell. I got half-way through, and I'm enjoying it more than I thought.
Also working my way through Virgin Soil by Turgenev, which is not too bad, for a Russian novel. I'm half-way through and just got to the love scene, which is apparently the main plotline in the novel so yeah - it's pretty Russian so far. But I like it.
Also trying desperately to finish Another Roadside Attraction, which I don't think is ever going to happen at this point. I think Robbins is a little too dated for me.
Also thinking about starting Strange Case of Dr. Jekell and Mr. Hyde, b/c I have it and have never read it.

Okay, now for Civ Pro. We're learning about how to amend a complaint in federal court, under FRCP Rule 15. You guys are so jealous, I know.